Monthly Basis
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Gaps in my Diary

I believe that the gaps in someone's diary speak volumes about them. When a person can't even bring themselves to write about their life or how they feel, it's like they've shut off. For me, this rings very true. When I am manic I have so much energy, I feel like I can do anything, it's hard to make me sad. Easy to make me angry but I'm quick to let it go and just enjoy being so buzzed on a natural high. When I'm in my depression phase, forget it, I don't care about much of anything and I have no energy at all. I feel like a slug who's on the edge of a line of salt, trying to decide if I should just chuck myself in or not.

The biggest problem with my Bipolar is that I am depressed much longer than I am manic. 1 week manic vs. 3 weeks depressed. It just takes a toll on my life, because while I'm depressed I let things fall to the wayside. I do just the bare minimum to survive. I'm sure I'm not a lone. It's like my will to carry on is held on by the thin thread of pure survival instinct. My brain tosses out showering, cause that's not super important, and binge eating starts because we love being sick, and we either over sleep or don't sleep at all. The only priority are the things that make me happy. Like video games or writing penpal letters.
I did have one accomplishment this weekend, which was cleaning my house. That helps a little. Small things, right? I really want to get back to being myself, but I guess part of that might include meds again. The biggest reason I stopped was they make my birth control less effective. I am someone who has never wanted children. I know it with a certainty I can't explain. I've thought about getting my tubes tied, but I understand it may be hard to convince a doctor to do it without my having had children.
I digress. My main goals in life right now are to find a new job from what I'm doing now because this one is killing my soul and to get back into school to finally get a degree. I'm contemplating all kinds of things, but I really want to go for teaching of some kind, or to be a school psychologist. So I'm debating between English Language and Lit or Psychology.

For now time to be a "functioning member of society".



October 8, 2018, 3:42pm