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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Update: The Universe still hates me.

I called the ENT I've been seeing since I was very young. Only to be informed that I owed them $500. I never received one statement or call. So now I can't be seen until the balance is paid. Cause I just have that kind of money laying around. Also, why the hell did my insurance not cover that? I was only in for check ups.

Today has been one of the most mentally exhausting days I've had in a long time. I just want to go home and curl up with my cats. Being deep down in the depression phase of my BP is not helping. I feel completely at a loss. I've often thought about the greed of America and this is just another way for people to be greedy. I have a possible condition that can kill me, but if you don't give us money we won't even give you the time of day.

I feel very defeated today.

The therapy I've had has taught me to try to find a positive among all of the negative.So my positive for the day is going to be my amazing boyfriend. We've been together a little over a year and not only does he let me vent to him when I need it, but he also has offered to help me with any needs to help me get better. Whether that be pitching in to pay the debt or making me dinner while I was on a soft food diet. So today my good thing is the man I'm lucky to share my life with now.

Sadly that doesn't fix or help my depression. Not being manic is like swimming in an ocean, but the ocean is polluted and sludge like. The worst of it is I'm the one who polluted the ocean I'm stuck swimming in. There is no end in sight. No islands or boats. Just grey sludgy water with dead things floating in it. When I am like this my binge eating becomes a monster all its own. It demands we eat until we're sick. Demands we waste our money on fast food with no remorse.

I have a lot of demons. Some have been around for ages, some are rather new. I live with them all the time. Some days I can keep them at bay and some days they rule me and my life. It's a constant battle and it leaves me with a tired I can't sleep off. So I learned coping mechanisms. Some of them are not great or even good. Like my constant battle to not self-harm or how it triggered my binge eating. Some are good, like writing and video games help to distract me.

I know so many others out there deal with these things regardless of mental illness or not. I think a lot of the world has deep seeded anxiety, especially my generation and those born after my generation. We're the look at me society. We crave connections from others but are only able to really find them through social media. Most think that likes and re-tweets are love and affection. It's sad that we feel so alone around the people near us and so we seek out others from so far away.

One of the things I've found that I love is having Penpals. It allows me to connect with people through snail mail and learn about others from a distance without the computer screen. It feels good and a bit exciting to get a letter in the mail from a friend that lives worlds away. Beats getting bills in the mail any day.

(If you are interested in Penpals I recommend

I've a few more hours left with my "functioning" in society today. If I feel up to it I made add another post later. So long for now.



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October 2, 2018


Tales of a Troubled Soul